Feb 10
2
Empty nest, redefined
In an excellent article on the “empty nest syndrome,” Dixie Mills writes:
There are many ways to prepare for when our children leave our homes, and redefining our roles as mothers can be a rewarding experience not just for ourselves, but for our kids as well. So instead of visualizing a real bird’s nest without any eggs, think of this transition as opening a new door in your life and your home.
With each passing generation, American family life is becoming more complex and diverse. We now have terms like “helicopter parents” (parents that seem to “hover” over everything their child does); we have “post-launch honeymoons,” “cellular leashes,” and “half-full nests.” There are the empty-nesters whose time is filled by aging parents who need care; or, with re-marriage, many empty-nesters have step-children or “half-nests.” Nowadays, with more American households having single parents, two working parents, and more children returning to live with parents because of financial or marital woes, many of us are also facing new challenges as our homes become less like “empty nests” than “revolving doors” for our boomerang children.
The term “empty nest syndrome” was created by psychologists in the 1970’s to define the sense of loss or depression that parents often feel when their children leave home. Though studies show moms and dads within the same family tend to experience similar feelings when their children leave home, the term is more stereotypically applied to the mother’s experience. It can also apply to perhaps a changing nature of the relationship with your partner, as parents now find themselves with the extra space — physical and emotional — formerly occupied by a child. It does not have a defined medical or psychiatric code, nor are there ads for medications to take for it.
During perimenopause or menopause, our emotions become magnified by any major change in our life circumstances, including the newly set stage of an empty nest. We may feel caught off-guard as our children seem to need us (or avoid us) at their whim — and our fluctuating hormones during this time can often amplify our feelings. We may feel frustrated, perplexed, amused, and philosophical in turns as we transition from our role as direct caregivers to forging more adult-like interactions with our kids. But if we prepare for our child’s departure early, chances are we’ll look at this change in our lives a little differently.
Current research shows that the empty nest syndrome may not be nearly as difficult as some parents think. While there is a sense of loss when the last child leaves, most parents don’t report “sadness” so much as thinking differently about how to redefine their role from nurturer to one more of mentor, and exploring the possibilities for their own personal growth. You may not have an easy time letting go, but more mothers are showing happier marriages, and more confidence and stability when the last child leaves the nest. And women who have rewarding relationships, full or part-time jobs, or hobbies outside the home are less likely to experience depression or other symptoms when their child leaves home. So many mothers start new careers or return to a job they loved before they started a family. Let’s face it, after raising children, you probably have highly refined communication skills!
If your empty nest triggers deep feelings of sadness or depression, it’s important to speak about your emotions with your healthcare practitioner. But many women discover that an empty nest can usher in many rewarding changes. They view this time as an opportunity to make positive changes in their lives, starting with their health. So it’s a good idea to find hormonal balance and support early, and prepare for this big life change.
In other words, experiencing empty nest and menopause at the same time does not have to be a collision course — in fact, after the last child leaves home, many menopausal and perimenopausal women are happy for the extra space and time to focus on their own physical, intellectual, and emotional needs. It helps to exchange stories with others about our feelings and experiences with the empty nest. One thing I learned from this is that the old adage, “Once a mother, always a mother,” still applies — it’s what lies on the arc between caregiver and mentor that bends the mind.
Source: Dixie Mills, MD, Women to Women
