Dealing with your parent’s “stuff”

My parents lived in the same town their entire adult lives in only two houses. After my father passed away and my mother’s health was failing, we made the tough decision to move her closer to me to an assisted living complex. Then came the hard part–going through the years of “stuff” to decide what she would give up and what she would hang on to. Unfortunately, the give-up pile was smaller, and I ended up with piles of boxes in my garage full of things that I could never give away as long as she was living.

I wish I had found the following tips earlier for planning ahead. They came from Julie Hall, known as “the Estate Lady,” in her conversation with Dale Carter on Blog TalkRadio. Julie is the author of The Boomer Burden: Dealing with Your Parents’ Lifetime Accumulation of Stuff and shared her ideas for de-cluttering your parents’ home before you are in a crisis mode.

• Have the important conversations with your parent. She advises us to approach our parents with love and talk with them about their wishes.  Ask and gain an understanding about their financial situation.  Be sure to know where all the important and legal documents are.

• Start to de-clutter your parent’s home. She shares that they won’t like this, but we can just say that we’re helping them “thin out” the stuff.  The clutter can be both a fire and tripping hazard. Remove food that is expired.  Also go through linens and kitchenware that are no longer used.  On a personal note from Dale, “my husband set out a table with 8 place settings of the best of my mother’s everyday china.  Upon seeing that, she allowed us to give away the rest of her dishes and glassware.”

• Discuss and document allocation of personal property and heirlooms.  Create a wish list and have an appraiser assess value of the special items.  The goal is to keep the tally equitable and fair.   Better yet, suggest “gifting” of special items while your parents are still alive (to minimize fighting).  Don’t let something like a Grandfather clock or a Civil War sword break your family apart.

• Tell Mom you are helping her “thin out” the house, and every time you leave the house, take a few bags of donation items with you.  Julie has a great saying, “Dress the less fortunate”.  Giving bags of clothing to a local women’s charity where you can personally deliver them makes it more personal and she will feel appreciated.

• If your parent has already moved out of the house or passed away, begin the process of clearing out the house by using 3 separate piles (or even rooms) for donation, sell and keep.

• When in doubt, always have a personal property appraiser evaluate antiques and items you’re unsure of. Julie shared a story about finding a $50,000 vase in a laundry basket that a family was going to toss.  In her book, she talks about a painting the family considered ugly that was valued in the 6 figures.

• Continue to keep in touch with siblings and keep everyone on the same page.  It is the only way that the whole family will keep their relationships strong and healthy through it all.

• Always come from a place of love. As Julie says, in the end, life is much, much more than the things, the stuff.  It’s about the wonderful deep and abiding relationships within our families.  That is what is priceless!

Resource:  Top Ten List from Dale Carter’s  Transition Aging Parents